Reprinted Without Permission :)

Maybe I Should Just Rename This Page "MS Watch"

Here's an article that has a professor from Cambridge University saying that Microsoft is lying about Palladium, it's new "you think it means security, we know it means we get to control everything" technology. If you want my opinion, anyone who buys a Palladium-enabled computer (regardless of OS) should have his head examined.

Anyway, in the article the professor claims that MS's FAQ about Palladium is full of misstatements, half-truths and outright lies. Gracious! Really? Ya think??

I particularly liked this part:

Microsoft stressed that at all stages the user will have control over what the software does to their data, with the user defined as the owner of the PC.

But Dr Anderson said: "You can choose to use Palladium in the same way people 'choose' to use Windows: if you want to run a business or exchange data with anyone else you'll have to use it."

And you wonder why Mac users are laughing at you ...

Oh, and here's yet another story about a company who tried to ally itself with Microsoft, only to get squashed like a bug when MS was done with them. Golly! Surprise is written all over my face!

I watched this sort of thing happen first-hand to a local company. Don't read this thinking this is anything new.

In Memoriam: Senator Paul Wellstone, One of the Good Guys, 1944-2002

You know, it's absolutely amazing how few Republicans spoke eulogising Sen. Wellstone. Just an observation.

Personally, I think President Shrub had the most concise remark:

"I would like to express my deep condolences for the loss of the Senate."

Ladies and gentlemen, your President.

The "Switch Back" Ad Fiasco Continues

Yet another report looking nicely summarising both the original MS ad fiasco and later pulling of yet another fake testimonial, briefly mentioned here last week, courtesy of the (UK) Independent. They covered all the relevant points in the incident, but regrettably did not mention the disturbing "MSN Butterfly fiasco" that happened immediately afterwards.

Luckily, Applelinks has a short (and regrettably not illustrated) comment on how creepy the new MSN butterfly is. I agree that their description of the logo as "a winged 'psycho killer' figure reveals a dehumanizing insensitivity that is simply appalling" is pretty much on-target.

UPDATED: Here's a picture of the creepy MSN buttery man. Judge for yourself. Personally, I think the Tick has sold Arthur up the river.

I May Faint

I may be merciless in my lambasting of Microsoft's corporate irresponsibility, but let nobody accuse me of not being balanced. The monopoly actually went and did exactly the right thing for quite possibly the first time ever today. They admitted that it was a stupid idea to plaster the city of New York will illegal butterfly stickers (see story directly below), are working with city officials to clean up the decals immediately, and offered restitution to cover the cost.

As a result, the city issued the company a single $50 summons rather than one for each sticker, which could have totaled hundreds of thousands of dollars in fines.

But lest you think this is a story of Microsoft waking up one morning and discovering that it's actually possible for them to be good corporate citizens, allow me to point out that the company's first reaction was to publicly lie to the media before they finally faced the music. Their spokesperson first claimed that MS had gotten proper permits to do this beforehand, even though it was quite obvious that the city had issued no such permits (indeed, their reaction could be summarised as "pig-biting mad"), and the ad agency that did the plastering admitted they had never seen any permits.

You see what happens when you own up and play fair, MS? It's not so bad, is it? Maybe you could apply this lesson to some of the other aspects of your company ...

Another Day, Another MS F-Up

I know what you're thinking ... "jeejus, the guy's obsessed!"

No, it's not that. It's just that Microsoft won't stop screwing up, and the news media won't stop downplaying it. So somebody has to blow the whistle on these losers. At the very least, Mr. Gates needs to seriously look at the monkeyshines* his ad agencies are perpetrating, and put a stop to it. It really does them no favours, particularly when the head of the company has his own simian issues to deal with.

*monkeyshines -- now there's a word that doesn't get used often enough ...

So here's the latest: not only did MS get busted by the NYC police for papering the town with unauthorised "butterfly" stickers (promoting their new MSN 8 service), they didn't even come up with this idea -- IBM got busted (and paid dearly) for it a year and a half ago. Does Microsoft ever come up with its own ideas??

Eye Hab a Cohb.

That's "I Have a Cold" in nasal-ese, which is the only language I'm speaking now. Man do I hate having a cold. My throat isn't unduly sore, but I don't feel like talking. If I sit perfectly still and just play Bejeweled on this here nice computer, I don't notice how miserable I am for a few minutes.

Luckily, whenever I'm down (which is rarely, thank goodness), I have a few special websites that help me get back on my feet with a chuckle. One of these is the incredible Lileks.com, home of the Institute of Official Cheer, and best of all the Gallery of Regrettable Food (and now a book of the same name!). If you like doing a noser all over your computer screen, head down to the Gallery and click on the Meat! Meat!! MEAT!! section. You'll love it even if you're vegetarian.

If you've been following my recent spate of MS and PC bashing, you might enjoy Lilek's take on it -- far gentler and more sophisticated than mine, I fear, but equally true to the mark: Fuzzy Brain. Hey, he's got the flu and a crappy computer. See, I'm smiling already.

Another site that always gets me grinning like the boy who squashed the cooties outbreak at his school is As The Apple Turns, which I'm proud to say is the only computer-based soap-opera-cum-satire circulating on the net. It's always hilarious, and sometimes even profound with it's wry observations of life in the fast-paced world of high-tech. Proprietor Jack Miller and his wife recently had a baby which has really cut into their regularity (and the updating of their website!), but when he's on he's on, and all's right with the world. Try this tasty little morsel for a sample of the good stuff Jack's been putting out for many a moon.

More MS Bashing (It's Just So Damn Easy ...)

"Microsoft has told [us] ... that it plans eventually to eliminate users' ability to disable Microsoft's access to their systems." Just so you know who you're dealing with.

Hint: It Ain't the Williams-Sonoma Store

Anyone in the Orlando area want to venture a guess as to where I'll be later today (say, around mall opening hours?)

Instant Pleasure, Instant Pleasure: The Hits Roll On, Day 3

I wonder how long we can milk this thing ... here's a pair of great day-makers from those crazy kids at Crazy Apple Rumors ... the young people today, they kill me!

Report: Microsoft's Girlfriend Also Faking It
Microsoft Executives Distracted by Fairy Imp

Cruel. Mean. Sick. I Laughed, Anyway ... #3

Confessions of a Mac to Atari 2600 Convert ...

MS: The Hits Just Keep On Comin'!

Another few updates to the story below:

1. Microsoft updated their security warning count to 61 for the year, with a triple-decker of three new patches/warnings/problems. Apple machines are, as usual, not affected.


2. Microsoft did issue one security patch for MS Office, presumably to close the "personal information that gets hack PR writers caught lying" security hole that was Valerie Mallinson's undoing. This is the second security patch for Office on the Mac. Remember that: 61 versus 2.


3. Now how much would you pay? But wait there's more! It seems that our favourite "Trustworthy Computing" monopoly, the company that continues to propose that computers would be more secure if all user data were stored on MS servers, got hacked into last night. A hacker made off with future Windows betas and other as-yet-unreleased software. As Sam the Eagle (from the Muppet Show) might say, "I am shocked. Shocked I tell you."


4. A ZDNet story (the only major tech publication to ignore the ad fiasco story by the way ...) today calls Microsoft "it's own worst nightmare" (remember, they're not even referring to the ad fiasco!) saying that "marketing confusion, licensing demands and software compatibility problems may have triggered a backlash among consumers ..." Gee, ya think?


5. Watch me now as I move in for the kill: if you're not already wearing Depends Undergarments to prevent accidental urination due to laughter, you might want to go grab a pair before reading on. Ready? Okay, you've been warned: according to this story, Microsoft President and Chief Primate Steve Ballmer says the company may "consider sanctions" against the public relations consultant (that they hired) "who tried to pass herself off as someone who had switched from Apple Mac [sic] to Windows XP."

The story went on to say that the fake testimonial (which Australian IT site SMH.com calls an "indescretion,"), which Microsoft previously admitted having paid Mallinson to do, "strikes at the heart of Microsoft's attempts to turn around its unscrupulous image."

Monkeyboy added, in his usual articulate manner, "I got a piece of mail that was vague that the assertion is some marketing person did something that was not entirely straightforward." Gracious, Mr. Ballmer! The devil you say! How ... unusual! A Microsoft PR flack doing something unethical? Well now I've heard everything!

Between bites of his banana, Ballmer further howled that "it may be necessary to 'weed out' employees who --" (get this) " -- do not live up to Microsoft's standards of behaviour."

Oh sweet Cheezits, somebody Scotchguard my chair!! Is Balmer trying to say that Mallinson didn't lie enough, or ... ?

All this entertainment ... and it's just another day at Microsoft. Heck it didn't even slow down the virus/bug warnings! In fact, it's almost like they thought if they issue three warnings in a single day (or, as ZDNet prefers to slant, "MS squashes three bugs") that maybe we'd be too busy updating our computers to notice the fake ad fallout!

Microsoft to Users: How Stupid ARE You?

Some of you have probably been waiting for me to rip MS a new one for the latest in a seemingly-neverending series of serious marketing/ethical blunders that make Chuck Shepard's "News of the Weird" look boring. I love the part in the c|net story where they admit that the testimonial is fake and that they paid for it, but insist they did "the right thing" by removing it. "We lie, we bribe, we slander ... but we did the right thing when, after getting caught, we tried to cover up what we did!"

But honestly, I'm too tired. I mean, really: I want to talk to you Windows users out there. How many times does it have to be pointed out to you that a) Microsoft engages in blatant lying in their ad efforts and b) they appear to believe that you, their users, are thieves and idiots, before you finally get it through your thick skull that maybe this is a "Trustworthy Computing" company that doesn't really deserve your patronage?

If I wasn't an eternal optimist that truly believed that most people are basically good and intelligent, I would begin to believe that Microsoft users really are as stupid as, well, Microsoft seems to think they are. Their continued dominance in the marketplace, despite the existence of several superior alternatives, provides evidence that my hopeful view that people will eventually add 2+2 and come to their senses is hopelessly naive.

In case you haven't heard, here's a very short summary of the latest brouhaha:

About 48 hours ago (from the time of this posting), Microsoft posted a rebuttal to Apple's effective and popular "Switch" ads. Said rebuttal told the tale of a "freelance writer" who "demanded the best" and so switched from Mac to PC because a) her new machine was $450 cheaper than Apple's $1799 iBook, b) She loves Microsoft Office better than AppleWorks and c) She likes Internet Explorer better than Netscape Navigator.

You can read some better (and worldwide) rakings over the coals than I'm capable of here and here and here and here and here. I've saved the best two for last: this one here, with the last word going, as always, to the brilliant Jack Miller at As The Apple Turns.

Thanks to amateur investigative journalists on the web (the only truly investigative journalists left, incidentally), it was quickly discovered that:

1. The photo accompanying the "testimonial" is a stock photo.


2. The stock photo comes from Getty Images, a competitor to Microsoft's own Corbis Images. They couldn't even be bothered to use their own service!


3. The "freelance writer" is actually an employee at a PR firm hired by Microsoft to write stories like these. She has written other such fake "testimonials." However, MS insists that she really did switch.


4. The writer was paid directly by Microsoft to write this story. Apple does not pay their "Switchers" (apart from flying them out for an expense-paid trip to shoot the commercial).


5. The writer claims that her primary reason for switching was the money saved on the hardware, but then (in the very next sentence) tells readers to dump the pre-installed XP Home Edition and buy (for $199) the XP Pro Edition. She also purchased Microsoft Office Pro Edition (around $450) which did not come with her machine. Those of you who can do math will notice that her "savings" add up to -$150.


6. The writer goes on to claim that Microsoft Office (around $400-500) is better than AppleWorks ($69). Gee. She infers that Microsoft Office is not available for the Mac. I hate to break it to her, but not only is it available, it preceded the Windows version by over three years -- and has features and security not found in the Windows version.


7. The writer makes much hay out of the fact that she likes Internet Explorer better than Netscape Navigator, and lists this as another of her reasons for switching. In point of fact, Internet Explorer is the default browser on most Macs, and the only browser that ships with the latest version of Mac OS X.


8. So how did the AP track down the anonymous "switcher?" Well, see, Microsoft Word is legendary for its security problems. Turns out it embeds loads of personal information in every one of it's documents. At the bottom of the "testimonial," there are a couple of boilerplate "tell us your story too" links, one of which is a Word document. Opening it in a text editor revealed that the author was one Valerie G. Mallinson who works for an ad agency now revealed to be in Microsoft's employ. Do you find it odd that the person who wrote the "testimonial" also wrote the boilerplate for the "tell us your story" form? It's her job, apparently.


9. At the bottom of the original testimonial (which has of course been pulled by MS now, though cached copies are littering all over the Net), an "Editor's Note" says "Now that we've switched our writer, we'll try to get her to use a PocketPC handheld!" Later reports point out that Valerie Mallinson, the Microsoft PR employee who has admitted being the author of the fake testimonial, is credited in a 1998 online report as being an expert on WindowsCE (what PocketPC used to be called).


10. If any of you still have some doubts that this isn't completely made up by MS's marketing department, I offer you this: the writer refers to Outlook (the Microsoft professional email program) as "a messaging and collaborative client." Oh yeah, we all talk like that.

Please, I'm begging those of you out there who are using MS products by "choice": How many times? How many times does Microsoft have to get caught bald-faced lying? How many times do you have to read stories about them faking petitions, letters to the editor, testimonials, videotape demonstrations? How many times do you have to hear them making patently ridiculous statements like "Internet Explorer cannot be removed from Windows 98" and "640K ought to be enough for anybody"?

What does it take to get you to admit that Microsoft are a bunch of lying sleazeballs who take turns alternating between believing their users are a) thieves and b) morons? What does it take to get you to admit you deserve to be treated better than this? What does it take to get you off your lazy ass and looking at alternatives (be they Linux, Mac OS X, Lindows ... I don't care, anything)?

UPDATE: It turns out that MS has pulled another of their fake editorials, because it got noticed (apparently nobody reads these things until the media picks up on them) that a 12-year-old boy (complete with accompanying fake stock photo) could not possibly have written it as they claim. Oops.

Oww-EEEE!

Can I Get ìThe Napster Storyî Off of Kazaa?

So I'm reading that Shawn Fanning (of Napster fame) is probably going to star in an MTV-produced movie about his tumultous rise and subsequent fall. Just another way for MTV to avoid having to play any actual music videos, I think to meself. But then I read where Alex Winter (who most of you will remember as the other half of Bill and Ted) is writing and directing.

This is a good thing. Alex was always way funnier and way smarter than Keanu (for starters, Alex was just pretending to be a stoner moron). I remember Winter's short-lived MTV sketch comedy show The Idiot Box with great affection. Who here recalls Eddie the Flying Gimp?

While I can never quite forgive Alex for helping to popularise both the phrase "duuude!" and Keanu to the public at large (and is thus peripherally responsible for that pox on humankind Steven the Dell Dude), Alex has at least tried to redeem himself. I wish him luck trying to turn the story of a lazy thief who rode the dot-com wave to its hilt into something resembling social commentary. But if I were him, I'd do what Fanning did -- take the money and run.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Word Processor

I had intended to construct a blog entry detailing my experiences and feelings about writing a new sketch for a character I created about 20 years ago, radio detective Brick Steele. I still intend to talk about this, but before I get to that (because it's rather a complex set of feelings and I don't want to mercilessly bore people), I'd rather talk about what happened tonight. It was nice.

First off, Heather and I finally got around to celebrating our sixth wedding anniversary and our recent birthdays (mine was in July, hers in August) with some friends at the nearest sushi house, Fuji Sushi on Lee Road in north Orlando (best sushi in town -- we are experts, trust us). We had a similar dinner with the in-laws and other immediate family last weekend, but for some reason celebrating with friends is equally, if not more, important to me. I think this is because for me, my friends are my real family (my own actual flesh-and-blood family, though nice people who I love and all that, are not the people I'm closest to). This probably sounds very odd to some of you, but it's true.

After dinner, I headed on over to Orlando's Red Fox Lounge (yes, it is a cheesy hotel lounge complete with requisite horrid lounge-music duo -- I swear I thought I had walked onto the set of Saturday Night Live) to help our friend Aaron (of Delusionaires infamy) celebrate his harumphth birthday. After reveling in the horrificness of the cheesy lounge act and reassuring myself that we are so not turning into these people -- late-middle-aged "swingers," divorced alcoholics and generally the sort of people who actually like lounge acts -- the evening turned into a wonderful and far-too-long-in-coming gathering of pals and acquaintances in a non-rock-club atmosphere.

Rich "Suburban Limbo" Grula and Ultra-Deb (of ... well, Ultra-Deb! What more need be said?) traded notes in our spontaneous Bloggers of Orlando mini-meet, stories of comics and "Incredibly Strange Music" were swapped with ink-slinger Dave Mitchell, several local band members stopped by (the cool music community here is quite close-knit), less-seen-friends were updated and information swapped, and Aaron received what I believe is the first Civil Defense logo decorated cake I have ever seen. How cool is that?

In short, it was a really good day.

More CULTural Calendar Goodness!

Hey gang, I've updated Chas' CULTural Calendar for (most of) October. You can simply click on the link here, or the permanent one on the left to check it out. You may want to change the view to "Monthly" to get the big picture. If you're cool enough to have iCal, you can simply subscribe and this is all handled for you automatically, and if you're even cooler you have iSync and can now automatically have the CULTural Calendar with you on your cell phone, your Palm, or your iPod. How cool is that?!